Life, Loss & The Grace In-between

 My dearth of writing came from a place of feeling overwhelmed by what life had produced in such a short space of time. A part of my hesitancy to write came from the need to guard myself from the reality of what was happening. Once you bear yourself and your thoughts to those in your world, its hard to ever recall this part of yourself you’ve given over.

In a month’s time, I went from celebrating the newness of life-- as one of my colleagues gave birth to her son, to mourning the unexpected loss of the friendly guard on staff at the office. Each day, he was the first person to greet everyone at the office and the last person to say farewell to. Such an exchange became a part of my daily life here, and despite whatever happened from 9:30am-5:30 pm that day, I always left with a smile on my face, thanks to his big smile and warm farewells. His untimely passing became all to real as I came to work the day I found out, and found another guard sitting where he sat, just two days ago. My struggle with his loss and the fact that death comes so swift and unexpected was exasperated by a personal struggle that stretched continents. 


I had recently found out from my family that my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer, and that it was ‘too far gone’. While ‘Too far gone’ captures the severity of the stage of the disease, the vagueness of this was unkind. All I could do was try to be ‘present’ to him and my family through phone calls marked by all too frequent drops in internet connection. I prayed and hoped that I could see him in person soon, and I know, thanks to conversations that I had with my granddad, that he wished the same. I was here in Vietnam when I got the call that my grandfather passed away. Since then, the last two weeks have been foggy, and somewhat distant, between long plane rides, jet lag and saying final farewells as we laid him to rest. To struggle with why he passed when he did and not getting to be in his presence seems like self-torment. Should I have not come to Vietnam and thus been closer to home so I could have gotten there sooner? Then, I remember how with each phone call, despite how ill he was feeling, he’d always ask how I was doing, how work was going, and reminded me to keep at it. To any sense of reservation on my part, he’d often quip his life mantra ‘Let not your heart be troubled'. Besides my faith, family and support from friends, this has been the hope I’ve held on to.

‘I do not at all understand the mystery of grace - 

only that it meets us where we are,

 but does not leave us where it found us’

                                                                                           - Anne Lamott

I’ve seen grace manifested and multiplied, coming at the most unexpected and most needed moments, from loved ones and strangers. My supervisor—and now a dear friend, stayed with me every moment after the wake of finding out of my granddad’s passing until I went through security to board my flight. With a 14-hour lay-over, the travel agent when I went to change my return flight did a last minute booking for me to stay in their complimentary airport hotel in South Korea. For visa miracles that made it possible for family members living in distant countries to be there at the funeral and just for the family and friends that surround me, I am grateful and ever reminded that life abounds with grace.

I’m less than two weeks from ending my internship in Vietnam, 19 days away from graduation and less than a month away from ending life as a student—for now, and facing a new beginning. In many ways, I don’t know how and where this new beginning will take place. Before all that has happened, I was overly consumed with ‘What’s next?’, spending countless hours job hunting and coming up with a ‘life plan’ of sorts. Now, I’ve been reminded that my life is not my own. I should live each day grateful for where I am, the people that are in my life, and where I am going. While many things in the near future remain unclear and there’s still a tinge of anxiety around this, I constantly hear my granddad words, ‘Let not your heart be troubled’ willing me on. I hope, in all things, to daily walk with a heart replete with grace and to ‘live freely, love deeply’ like he did.

‘I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)

I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear)’

                                                                                                  -E.E Cummings